Ahhh, teenagers! They are a unique personage. Sometimes they want to talk and talk about everything under the sun. The next day they stay in their room and give the death glare to anyone who looks their way. What am I to do when my teen shuts me out?

First, I feel like we should get something out of the way, typically when a teen starts to go within themselves, it has more to do with them than us. Puberty makes them feel awkward. Horomones are raging. The emotion centers of their brains are rapidly growing and changing. And, they are still learning to process and deal with emotions moving from a child to adult.

Second, we must remember that even though they may start to look and sound mature, they are still children and need to be gently loved and corrected. They are not grown adults and can’t be treated as such yet.

Why Teens Might Shut Us Out

Honestly, there are lots of reasons why teens might shut us out or withdraw and like I previously mentioned, most of it has to do with them, but there are some ways that we may be unintentionally pushing them away. So, we must go through this list with honesty and be ready to change behavior, thoughts, and tactics if necessary.

• They need solitude for rest or relaxation. Don’t take this personal. They need more sleep. They also may need a break from younger siblings or noise in the home.
• They feel misunderstood or judged. Teens bodies are changing. Things like weight gain, acne, or clothes fitting differently may make them feel self-conscious.
• They may not know how to communicate their feelings. Sometimes they can’t really describe what they are feeling as hormones rage.
• They crave independence. Growing up means we realize that we are individuals and lots of times teens just crave independence to figure out what this looks like for them.
• They are facing peer pressure or rejection. Sometimes drama at school with friends or a crush can seem like the end of the world to a teen and they just don’t want to talk about it.
• They have academic or performance pressure in school or outside activities. Having more on their plate with school and activities and thinking toward their future sometimes adds stress and anxiety.
• They are struggling with family dynamics. If they are already overwhelmed, coming home to a chaotic, tense, or stressful environment does not help.
• They feel excessive responsibility as they take on more with school, work, driving, etc. We all get a bit bogged down with too much at times and teens have a lot of change they are dealing with as they take on more responsibility and learn to be an adult.

What to do When Your Teen Shuts You Out

I have listed resources at the end of this post if you feel your teen’s withdrawal is more than just a phase please look for the signs of depression and self-harm and find the right place to get help for them.

If your teen is just going through a phase of wanting to be more independent or not wanting to be as open with you, do not take it personal and do not make it a bigger deal than it needs to be. Try these Biblical remedies instead:

1. Pray for them.

“For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,” Colossians 1:9 NIV

Pray that the Lord would fill them with knowledge of His will and for Him to give them wisdom and understanding as they deal with coming of age emotions and problems.

Ask them how you can specifically pray for them and let them hear you pray for their well-being and growth in the Lord. Share your burden with your spouse and others who love you and ask them to pray as well.

2. Show them Love.

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10 NIV

Devote yourself to showing them love and honor. How can you serve your teen as they deal with these big emotions? What kind of words of encouragement can you speak? What kinds of heavy burdens can you share or take off their plates?

3. Invite them anyway.

“Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.” 1 Peter 4:9 NIV

The day my teen boys stopped wanting to join in family movie and game nights was really sad for me. I know its tough to find something that both little girls and big boys enjoy but the joy of being together was important to me.

I had to accept they’re growing up and having different interests, but I keep inviting them anyway. Not in a guilt trip or nagging way but just to let them know they are always included. They both work now and have friends to hang with but every now and again, they will join in and it makes my Momma heart so happy!

4. Leave the lines of communication open.

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” James 1:19 NIV

Always be ready to listen without a quick reply on the tongue. Be gentle in correction and make sure to ask good questions so you get the full scope of things. Even if something seems unimportant or you don’t feel like you have the time, listen now and they will feel good about coming to you later.

5. Be patient.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:2 NIV

Sometimes it takes time for them to figure things out. They are facing lots of new things at once so we have to be patient as they make mistakes, learn new rhythms, and adjust to their changing bodies and circumstances.

It’s sometimes hard to remain patient as we want them out of this awkward phase right away, but God is perfect in all His ways which means He has a plan for these transitioning years. We can wait patiently knowing that it’s a phase and our parenting is constantly going through seasons too.

It’s not always easy to be interested in the things our kids are interested in, but we have to learn how if we want to show them proper love. If they like video games, sit and watch them play and ask some questions. Take an interest in what they are studying at school or what they do for work. They all want food so find their favorite place and take them out on a date! Just be intentional a few times a week to connect and keep looking for new ways.

6. Trust God.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,
 and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

Piggybacking off the last point, to be patient and wait on the Lord, we can trust that God loves our teens infinitely more than we do and He has a plan and purpose for their lives. He is going to continue to work in their hearts.

We can continue to pray, love, parent, and pour God’s word into their hearts trusting that God is in control and care for them. As we leave them at His feet over and over in prayer, and do our part, His peace will guard our hearts in a loving trust.

7. Don’t shy away from discipline.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11 NIV

It may seem hard to discipline when your teen isn’t communicating or very present. We feel like we are adding to their burdens. However, discipline is for their good. We still have to listen first and make wise choices in the ways we go about it, but household rules still have to stand and we still have to correct them in the Lord’s way.

8. Look for ways to connect.

“[Do] not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:4 NIV

Scripture Encouragement for Parents of Teens

Hold these scriptural promises close as you pray and trust God in this season of parenting teens.

• But from everlasting to everlasting
      the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
      and his righteousness with their children’s children—
   with those who keep his covenant
      and remember to obey his precepts. Psalm 103:17-18 NIV
• The righteous lead blameless lives; blessed are their children after them. Proverbs 20:7 NIV
• Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6 NIV
• Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire. Proverbs 29:17 NIV
• Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 NIV
• Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Colossians 3:21 NIV

Helpful Resources on Dealing with Teenage Emotions

I’m not sure where you are with your teen, but hopefully some of these resources will prove valuable as you continue to pray and walk with them. If you sense they need immediate medical or mental intervention, do not delay to contact a Christian counselor, the suicide hotline, or take them in to a mental health hospital.

• Get the FREE Crisis Mode Mental Health Guide For Teens from One Hope
• Recognizing the Signs of Depression in Teens
• FREE printable Teen Talk Cards to open communication from National House of Hope
• Understanding Your Teens Emotional Health
• The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively By: Gary Chapman
• Ultimate List of Free Devotions for Teens to keep them in the word.
• Challenge: 31 Days of Praying for Our Children