I have a confession to a make: God has convicted me of having a gentle and quiet spirit for over 20 years. I have prayed for it and admired those who have it. But, I have not surrendered to it.

I have stayed away from studying and sharing much on the topic as well as actively pursuing what it might look like in my own life. Part of it is fear. What has to happen in my heart and how do I have to be humbled to see that reality? Another part is pride. I don’t want to be convicted over and over again about my failures.

So, here I sit. A woman who has failed to admit my short comings to myself and to God. Where do I go from here? Am I too far gone? Can I ever change?

And then grace steps in. It calls me to step closer. Jesus reminds me of His sacrifice. He reminds me I am forgiven and free. And, really its not about trying harder but about surrendering so He can live it through me.

I’m not going to lie, I had braced myself for a whipping. I deserved it after all. I needed to be taken behind the woodshed for my sin, for my lack of faith, and for my constant ignoring the Holy Spirit. And, if I can be honest, I kind of wanted it.

I sort of wanted some discipline. It seems too easy to just be let off the hook. But, then that’s mercy and grace. I don’t get what I earned but instead get what I didn’t which is faithful love calling me to repent and be forgiven again, and to not give up the pursuit.

Not in my strength. No. But, to just come a little closer and abide. To read, to study, to learn, to meditate, and to let the Spirit’s work make me more like Jesus.

I want to be lowly, kind, gentle, meek, and mild. I wanted to have sweet words on my lips as an answer to the harsh. I want to have loving mercy in my heart for the boldly rude. I want to be free to have compassionate care for all of God’s children regardless of personal opinions.

This side of heaven, I will never have mastered that quiet and gentle spirit but I can make it my daily mission to pursue it. I can put on the gospel and take up my cross and let the Lord lead me in it.

And, that’s not just for me. It’s for you too. For all who fail day after day. For all who struggle to obtain that which seems elusive in the Christian walk.

Don’t give up. Take one step forward even if the next day you take two steps back. Never stop believing that Christ’s grace and mercy are greater than all of your sin!

4 Ways to Have a Quiet Spirit that Trusts God

1 Peter 3:1-4 NIV says: Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, ² when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. ³ Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. ⁴ Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

This passage is often reduced to the word “submission,” and that is part of it, but Peter gives us a much richer picture. He is teaching believers how to live with a quiet strength that trusts God, especially when relationships are difficult.

1. Submission

Peter isn’t presenting submission as weakness, inferiority, or permission for someone to sin against you. In the context of 1 Peter, submission is part of a believer’s willingness to entrust themselves to God and live honorably under His authority.

Peter emphasizes that a wife’s godly conduct can speak powerfully—even when words cannot. It is an obedience to God that is pure and reverent and causes her husband to take notice. Even if she is married to a non-believer, maybe her goodness is so on display that he believes.

This can apply to other parts of life as well. Any relationship or situations that is difficult, is a chance to submit first to God and His will, and then let Him workout the rest of the dynamics. We aren’t changing anyone or thing, but God can.

8 Ways to Model a Christian Marriage for Your Kids

Questions I have been asking myself:

• Do I view submission as weakness or as an opportunity to trust God?
• Am I more concerned with changing my husband or with faithfully obeying God?
• What does honoring my husband look like when we disagree?

2. Silence

Peter says that a husband may be “won without a word by the conduct of their wives.”

This isn’t a command that women should never speak. Scripture certainly gives women wisdom, instruction, correction, and a voice. Rather, Peter is addressing the power of consistent godly conduct rather than continual persuasion, arguing, or pressure.

Sometimes we think:“If I can just explain it one more time, they’ll understand.”

Peter points us toward another possibility:“What if I let my life demonstrate what I believe and trust God with the result?”

Silence can become an act of faith when we’re tempted to manipulate, nag, defend, or control. Instead it says: God will work this out perfectly without my input. He invites me to be still and know He is ruling.

Practicing Silence and Solitude

Questions I have been asking myself:

• When I’m frustrated, do I become more persuasive—or more prayerful?
• What might God want my character to communicate that my words cannot?
• Can I be quiet without becoming passive, resentful, or withdrawn?

3. Surrender

Peter moves from outward appearance to “the hidden person of the heart.” We often focus on outward appearances because it’s something we can control. We can make ourselves appear young, modest, or put together. However, God looks at the heart.

The emphasis isn’t on becoming invisible or having no influence. It’s on recognizing that true beauty and strength begin internally:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. ⁴ Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. ⁵ For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, ⁶ like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. -1 Peter 3:3-6

Peter specifically highlights these qualities that make a woman beautiful:

• a gentle and quiet spirit
• hope in God
• doing good
• not giving way to fear

If we think about it, so much of not having that gentle and quiet spirit is because we have given way to fear. We have let the fear of not being able to control the future, the fear of man, and the fear of unmet expectations crowd out the gentle, quiet voice of the Savior that calls us to peace, patience, and self control.

Our actions become a product of this fear: anger, frustration, irrationality, and anxiety. Instead of a trusting faith, I tend to worry and then try to manipulate people and situations which leads to me not being still and silent but loud and demanding.

When we wave that white flag of surrender, we say I can trust God because my control does not produce His righteousness. My ways never compare to the perfect ways of God. I have to deny my flesh and allow His Spirit to control my mind, heart, and actions.

10 Reasons Not to Fear: Isaiah 43:1-7

Questions I have been asking myself:

• What am I currently trying to control?
• What would surrender look like in my relationships?
• Is fear influencing the way I speak, react, or make decisions?
• Am I cultivating a gentle and quiet spirit, or is my heart becoming anxious, defensive, or demanding?

4. Strength

Peter calls a gentle and quiet spirit “precious in God’s sight.”

Biblical gentleness isn’t being a doormat. Gentleness is not weakness but rather strength under God’s control.

Jesus was gentle, yet He confronted sin.
Jesus was quiet at times, yet He spoke truth.
Jesus surrendered Himself to the Father, yet He wasn’t passive.

A gentle response says: “I don’t have to win this argument to be faithful.”

A quiet spirit says: “I don’t have to make myself heard every time to have worth.”

Strength says: “God can work in this situation without me controlling it.”

Strength in Weakness 2 Corinthians 12:6-10

The Bigger Picture — Relationships That Reflect Christ

Peter widens the application beyond marriage in verses 8-12:

“Have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.”

Then comes a radical command: “Do not repay evil for evil.”

Instead: “Bless.”

This is where the passage ultimately takes us: God-honoring behavior in relationships isn’t about getting my way. It’s all about becoming increasingly like Christ.

A simple progression:

Submission → I don’t have to control.
Silence → I don’t have to convince.
Surrender → I can trust God with the outcome.
Strength → I can respond with gentleness without compromising or sinning.
Blessing → I can choose Christlike love even when it’s difficult.